A wave of claustrophobia closed in on him. Id suggest family therapy if I had any faith it would work, but Im sure at this point they just need to burn the relationship down and start over. And as you know (because youre on your third kid now), its just going to be a work in progress. So, what could you say when youre ready? Is it inappropriate of me to take her to Morgans funeral as a learning experience? Some of the applications have a series of essay questions. Our local library has a teen volunteer program, where high school students come and help shelve books and lead childrens activities and story time. Have a question for Care and Feeding? My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. Ive tried incentives, but he was never reward-oriented. Weve always had a guess about her sexuality though. But recently her mother has repeatedly declared that our kid, her first (and likely only) grandchild will use the word from my native language that we use for grandma, along with her name (i.e., Grandma X). Especially to her stepmother, who seems to be making no effort to hide her own considerable distaste and dislike for the childs mother. But your obligation to your 5-year-old child, to his mental and emotional health and well-being, outweighs your obligation to a grown adulteven a parent. Here is my low-stakes problem: Almost everyone we run into, both strangers and people we know, comments on how beautiful she is. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. (@carvellwallace) Interview Highlights. Writing into Slate's "Dear Prudence" advice column, the . Ive heard testimony from numerous twins that this is not a good idea because it makes it harder for them to create an identity. How do I get over this? This is the time when you should travel, engage in hobbies, chill out, or do whatever the heck your heart desires as you enter the latter stages of life. My dad is in his 60s now and is starting to deal with a lot of the consequences of his age. Sins are forgiven by God all the time, so long as you're ready to repent and be a changed person. Dear Care and Feeding, I have a 14-year-old son, "Charlie.". I spent my whole childhood walking on eggshells to not piss him off. A book based on the column titled Dear Prudence: Liberating Lessons from Slate.com's Beloved Advice Column will be released on April 4, 2023. (Im not saying this is fair. Im just saying they may be doing the best they can under very difficult circumstances. Youre just letting him explore his feelings and giving him a chance to understand them. But he didnt want that one either. Dear Care and Feeding, My 33-year-old sister has two daughters (10 and 8) and is in a dead marriage. They are adults. In the meantime, when Daisy confides in you about her mothers awfulness, can you bring yourself to say, Im so sorry that happened. Im sure many of the readers of this column have beautiful daughters. " Care and Feeding " is SLATE.com's parenting advice column where wannabe Woke parents write in to be chastised by a rotating group of SLATE staffers. Over the past few months, she has developed this habit of saying things like kill me or I want to die when shes not happy about something. England only existed in his mind-his mind, stuck here in this dank smelly steel-lined spaceship. Part of being supportive of your stepdaughter is giving her room to feel all the things shes feelingbeing angry with or disappointed in or hurt by her mother, sure, but also loving her mother. How can I be a supportive figure in her life and not alienate her from a relationship with her biological mom? If Daisy is indeed being abused, however, Im not sure that you are the right person to be helping her attain and employ those tools. Indeed, she was ambivalent, at best, about going in the first place. How a Bizarre Swedish Docuseries About Men Parenting Tore the Country Apart. You know the saying that you can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink? Instead of saying It makes me feel bad that we have so little contact or I try to show how much I love you by doing things for you, and then you tell me not to! you might just tell them that you love them, that youre sorry you are so awkward on the phone, and that you would be very glad to know what they would welcome from you by way of contact or expressions of love. Perhaps in the future you might say something to the effect of Whatever works for you! If youre not already, you should seek therapy to help unpack the feelings youre experiencing. Photo illustration by Slate. I will point out that not giving your 7-year-old unlimited access to all the books he can technically read doesnt necessarily make you a book censor, or mean that you think those books or authors are without merit. The thing is, I have very little contact with my daughters. We did dishes so the kitchen sink could be used to wash our hands, piles of laundry so we could access the washer to wash wet items from the basement, and picked up five bags of trash and four of recycling so we could walk around the house. My mom never remarried, but when I was in high school my dad married a younger woman with two toddlers. And if she does mean what shes saying, I want to be able to help her. Its anonymous! Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! I really do try to be neutral about the whole thingI dont want him to be ashamed of this quirkbut maybe he is picking up on my own unease about it? Im convinced there will be a lot of joy in your familys future, not because everything will be easy, but because you love your kids unconditionally and want to give them all happy, fun, fulfilling childhoods. The Backstory Will Give You Pause. Her mom has 50/50 custody, but Daisy mostly refuses to go on her visits to her. Its time for this man to do the same. I would cry, avoid, and hed eventually apologize and say hed try harder. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. But more importantly, let your actions toward them show who you really are. Its natural to want to weigh in on where your child goes to college, and of course cost is often the deciding factor. Yesterday, one of my stepbrothers and the older of my half sisters told me that they were really scared that Dad was going to die soon. She makes every visit to my husbands parents home excruciating. Nelson's Column had gone! Three-year-olds are the weirdest people on the planet. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Explain that you know its difficult for them to hear these things about you and that you dont want them to be caught in the drama between you and your ex, but that you have no choice but to defend yourself. This may also help give you confidence around speaking with your dad. And, I remind you, I am 64 years old. Have a question for Care and Feeding? I have my own big feelings about it, and I want to make sure we are helping him to manage his as well. All rights reserved. Is it inappropriate of me to take her to Morgans funeral as a learning experience. My opinion is that you shouldnt police the behavior of people being kind to your child. Hes always been a little bit behind (within normal parameters) for self-regulating and similar skills, but hes not regressed too much. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Of course, if you see that your son is showing major behavioral red flags for an extended period of time (acting out, violent behavior, self-harm, etc.) Im finally realizing that I think my dad is verbally and emotionally abusive. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. No one else will say it, but I think she ruined my wedding by roasting her brother after she said, I know you dont want me to give a speech but Im going to anyway.Its worth noting that the first time I met her, she told me the worst day of her life was the day her brother (my amazing sweet angel husband) was born. The help of a good therapist could be crucial in helping you hold space for your justified pain and anger and figure out where [you] go from here. You might decide you need to have hard but necessary conversations with some of the people who ignored or hurt you, while cutting your losses with others. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! Americas Strangest Household Obsession Is Roaring Back. Charlie did not use any of the teacher's examples, and instead wrote a paper . Also, you should find out who he spilled the beans to and ensure they keep it under wraps. If you cant manage a phone conversation, I would put your thoughts in a letter. My husband is obviously hurt by this, but he doesnt like to talk about it. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. It begins in a month and commuting through the end of the school year is not really feasible for me, so were moving the weekend before I start (me, husband, and son). Your baby is HUGE! Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. I have a 3-year-old who is obsessed with gloves. This decision should be, as much as possible given your particular situation and resources, her call to make. He has little to no family left alive, and those that are do not provide him guidance. My wife feels strongly that this is a kind of appropriation, and that this title should be something special for my mother. I hate my sister-in-law. When they got home, they were apologetic that he hadnt gone to sleep the way he usually does by that time, and I said he was probably a little hungry because he had only had half of his first bottle and hadnt taken the second. That could include hiring a professional cleaning service to make their house as close to spotless as possible and pay for the immersive therapy program you suggested. Now hes dropping F-bombs constantly. I know that you love your daughter, and that as she grows youll delight in and be proud of her for reasons you cant even imagine yet. To be honest, I cant tell for sure. I know you love my kids, but I cant have them live with the fear I had all of my life around you. Thank you in advance. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Hes always been a grouchy kid, but school is just turning him into an angry kid. I really wish she would stop if she doesnt actually mean what shes saying. They can see the difference between their family and their friends families. and then ensure she sees a mental health professional immediately. While the columnist tries to talk the distressed relative off the ledge with words of calm just back away slowly . "The other portals are of ebony. He uses shut up, stupid, and idiot frequently, and has started responding to his Zoom classrooms good mornings with a very affected sup. He doesnt really have other social interactions right now, so hes not picking these up from other kids. Please dont do that either. My adult daughter (25) and her husband (27) are not thriving. You and your husband need to make the most out of your lives, and I trust that you can do it.. If you missed Fridays Care and Feeding column,read it here. Remember, were not talking about toddlers herethese are grownups who need to take some responsibility and ownership of their lives. How To Do It. My home situation is a little unconventional because I allowed my 35-year-old daughter and then 2-year-old granddaughter come live with me. Of course it never really changed. My own family lives on the other side of the continent (in Canada) and my parents speak little English. Ill say this as kindly as possible: Assuming she doesnt have any major physical or mental illnesses/disorders, your daughter and her kids have to go. Its because all she sees is an angry child whos headed down a bad path and needs serious help NOW. Hes a 5-year-old who misses his friends and school. My stepdaughter, Daisy, is 14 and we have a good relationship. In the meantime, I wouldnt mention anything about her sexuality unless she opens up to you. But I say all of this with the shadow of your depression over it. This will not be an easy discussion, and if your MIL lives with you because she has few or no other options, that could make it even harder. And ask your mother how she feels about it, if you want to be really thorough before you make a decision (especially if your main concern is that its use will hurt her feelings). I dont have any resentment but I do have a lot of hard knocks now. slate advice columns care and feeding. Nelson's Column had gone and there would be no outcry, because there was no one left to make an outcry. Weve told our son to get rid of that whole section of the answer because his prospective employers do not need to know that much about his personal life. Your family will not be invisible to such people either, and I hope you come across many more of them. So my question, how do I involve my children in this relationship? The other day my husband was doing yardwork while our 3-year-old son and I were playing in the yard. When we spend so much of our time online, we're bound to learn something while clicking and scrolling . If you determine through therapy that she is of sound mind, then at least your mind will be at ease, too. The fact remains that the onus falls upon your dad to get his life in order, and if you can convince him to do that, then everything actually will be OK. Theres an endless list of alternatives for names that should satisfy both of you, and you need to do whatever it takes to find them. Who knows? Running the risk of sounding dismissive, I have a strong feeling that the same will be the case for your son. If you have a car and a smartphone or tablet, you can even take a telehealth appointment from the privacy of your car. There is not a huge difference in what it will cost us, but enough to make a difference. Conversation in general isnt easy for me, so I dont enjoy phone calls. 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